Resolving Self-Sabotage

The method of observing or witnessing requires a shift from the self-centered position of "What's in this for me" to the wisdom of "What is it that I need to see and understand about myself and others."

This way of experiencing ourselves gives us a perspective to observe how we are defeating our purposes or sabotaging ourselves in some situation or other.

We all see ourselves and the world from a self-centered perspective. This point-of-view produces many false impressions such as the feeling that we are singled out for special treatment, that others are watching us and evaluating our performance, that we are missing out and being deprived, and that we are entitled to special benefits.

This self-centered perspective makes us reactive to others and to situations in the world. We remain dependent on how they respond to us, what they say about us, and whether or not they make us feel good or deny us validation and recognition. Consequently, we live our lives through others, collecting their ideas, borrowing their opinions and beliefs, and giving them power over our feelings and perceptions.

We cannot attain health and wholeness while expecting others to behave a certain way to make us happy or to support our self-image. This position only creates separation from our true selves. And when we fail to connect with our own inner center, we are confused, anxious, reactive, and lacking in trust and confidence.

The following exercise represents an important step in connecting to our inner selves and it serves as a guide for cleaning out our emotional filters.

It is important to learn how to observe ourselves and our reactions, to know what we feel, and to understand where our feelings come from within ourselves. This means adopting a non-judgmental attention to what we are experiencing. Statements such as "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "Stop thinking like this" are judgmental and have the effect of repressing what we are feeling.

Admit what you feel. If you are feeling hurt or used, acknowledge it. Observe what you are feeling in a neutral, curious manner.

The purpose of non-judgmental observing is to break the barrier between the conscious and the unconscious mind so we can be more aware of what happens inside us, without blindly reacting to others or outside events. When we observe, we create a distance or "breathing room" between ourselves, other people, and our reactions.

So, try to observe with neutrality your fears, fantasies, frustrations, thoughts, judgments, criticisms, complaints, and other emotional reactions. In doing so, your intention is to understand the origins of these feelings within yourself. Usually, we are making someone or something else responsible for them or we are trying to get rid of them because we feel they are bad.

Start by watching how your awareness is drawn outside of yourself. Let's look at an example. Your boyfriend leaves his clothes all over the floor. You become angry and upset. All you can think about is how sloppy and inconsiderate he is. You are so wrapped up in his behavior that you forget yourself. You are taken away from yourself by your reaction.

Using the observer program, watch yourself reacting and getting caught up in his behavior. Notice the feelings that you have created inside yourself as a result of his behavior. Why are these feelings there? Why are you taking things so personally?

As you observe your reaction, perhaps you can say to yourself, "Hey, I really have a strong reaction to this. This is interesting. I must be taking his behavior as a slight against me, as if he does it to ruin my day."

See both situations at the same time--the other person's behavior and your reaction. You will experience the observer when you can bring both into your awareness at the same time.

If you care to, take time each day for one week to observe and write down a) your thoughts and feelings about others, b) thoughts and feelings about yourself, c) any preoccupation with past or present emotional grievances or hurts, d) reflections on future scenarios, whether positive or negative, e) concerns about chores that have to be done, f) creative ideas, g) peeping at what others have attained or accumulated and comparing yourself with them, h) any distress about what you feel you are not getting, i) fears and other worries, j) emotional ups and downs, and k) likes and dislikes.

Notice how much time you spend on each of the above categories. Watch how your feelings come and go and how they may build up into powerful emotional reactions that overwhelm you, perhaps resulting in saying things you regretted.

Just this one powerful exercise can help you move away from your preoccupation with what others are doing or not doing and how much the outer world is either supporting you or against us. You will be able to see that your reactions come from inside yourself, that your feelings and thoughts are self-generated.

Learning to observe without judgment gives us a neutral perspective from which to learn about ourselves and how we interact with others and the world. It takes practice to become aware of your feelings and reactions as they occur and to watch yourself react. The trick is simply to watch. Don't try to change anything. Just observe how it happens. Soon you will be able to discern the motivations behind you feelings and actions. This ability will result in enhanced feelings of empowerment, of being in charge of yourself and your life. You will learn to befriend yourself and connect with yourself in ways you never thought possible.