We Can Understand Domestic Abuse at a Deeper Level (copyright 2005)

We can help resolve the problem of domestic abuse by understanding it at deeper levels. Psychologists tell us that driving each phase of the cycle of family violence is “power and control.” This is true, but it is only half the picture. It can also correctly be said that driving each phase of the cycle is inner passivity, which is a problem for both the abuser and the abused.

Inner passivity is a common condition through which people can’t feel their own value, don’t believe in themselves, and are unable to access inner strength. This condition can produce, in more severe cases, self-rejection and self-hatred. However, prevention specialists and law-enforcement officials have a hard time dealing with the domestic-abuse problem at this deeper level because it is difficult to see and to expose.

Often the problem of domestic abuse is regarded more from the legal and moral side, which views the abuser as the criminal perpetrator and the abused as the helpless, innocent victim. The victim of repeated abuse, however, is often steeped in unresolved passivity and self-hate which this person is fated to experience, at some level of intensity, in relationships with others. When an emotional issue such as feeling unloved, rejected, or hated is unresolved in our unconscious mind, we are under the influence of a powerful compulsion to experience it repeatedly with others, even when doing so is very painful.

Ironically, the abuser is also passive. Although it appears that his problem is violence and anger, he is feeling passive somewhere in his life, perhaps in his dealings with his job, or his boss, or his customers or clients. If he is unemployed or in a low-paying job, he can feel stuck, blocked, trapped, and hopeless. He often feels out of control with drugs, alcohol, or emotional problems.

To compensate for his own inner passivity, he can be desperate to feel some form of power. He is then compelled to become cruel or abusive to someone he perceives as more passive and helpless than himself, namely his domestic partner or his children. For him, even destructive, abusive power feels better than his passivity. This so-called power also serves to cover up his emotional indulgence in that passivity.

The dynamic between the abuser and the abused is made more complicated by the fact that the abuser can be energized through his identification with the abused. This means he is in the skin of the one he is abusing, feeling what it is like to be mistreated and devalued because that is how he feels when relating to supervisors, authority figures, customers, and so on.

When the victim of abuse is an exceedingly passive person, the abuser is further tempted to act out violently toward him or her. The abuser is legally responsible for this behavior of course, but nonetheless compulsions to act out what is unresolved can simple override the instinct to act in one’s best interest. Often couples unwittingly give to each other what the other is unconsciously anticipating and secretly willing to experience—mistreatment, disrespect, rejection, and hatred.

The problem is also complicated by the severe inner reproach that both the abuser and the abused direct toward themselves.

We can be more effective in helping them see and understand these hidden issues in their psyche. What is unfortunate, of course, is that many of us have so much resistance to becoming stronger psychologically and emotionally. Inner passivity can cause us to remain entrapped—on both an inner and an outer level—in a situation from which we feel there is no escape.

The problem can be addressed with skillful teaching and therapy. A great many abusers and abused can be helped. They do not need to live their lives in such anguish. We owe it to them to present our best knowledge and teaching to help them help themselves.

To understand more about inner passivity, read The Phantom of the Psyche: Freeing Ourself of Inner Passivity, which is available at this website.